Much has been written about rituals and parenting, most probably on the family meal, symbolising the importance of family time, conversation and connection. In the last newsletter I talked about how, in the West, there’s been a real loss of rituals that symbolise our boys’ transition into adulthood. Now, we’re entering the festive season, a big ritual in our society, about giving, receiving and taking time to spend together. 

But it seems rituals can be more than symbols. They may actually change our body chemistry. This New York Times article is a fascinating tale of the placebo effect and just how little it is understood. Mostly because scientists have sought to exclude it from their work to make sure the drugs they test actually work. Labeling the placebo effect as this phenomenon outside of science has meant it hasn’t been properly explored and investigated. The effects have real outcomes, which are strongly connected to the rituals we experience. This made me wonder. 

How do our family rituals influence our children, not just the good ones

In our family, with one particular child, leaving the house is a big deal. Huge. It makes him really stressed. It’s the time at which calm can turn to conflict in a moment, resulting in meltdowns that last for 20 or 30 minutes. In a way, it was becoming a bad ritual.

At the moment, our son is being assessed through the Autism Spectrum Diagnosis process. The child psychologist we’re working with said that conflict creates energy, which has to be released. The release flows out in the direction the rest of the energy is going, which just adds fuel to the fires of the conflict. If this energy doesn’t get released, it’s suppressed, which leads to mental health issues later down the line – the long-term effects of bottling it up. That’s the subject of another discussion though. 

She told us we had to find a way to avoid it escalating. That particular child is an avid reader, it helps him self-regulate. So she suggested having a book to help him get over the front door step, so he can be reading, consciously occupying himself, so his energy levels don’t increase. A good strategy that will, over time, turn into a positive ritual. 

The article’s a great read, but even if you don’t read it, do take a moment to reflect on the ruts your family life might be stuck in. You probably want to pull it out of the rut before you create an unhealthy ritual. 

"Rituals trigger specific neurobiological pathways that specifically modulate bodily sensations, symptoms and emotions,” he wrote. “It seems that if the mind can be persuaded, the body can sometimes act accordingly.”