It’s remarkable how different kids are. My nephew is about a month older than my eldest. They couldn’t be more different. My nephew was the first baby to enter my life since, well probably when I was a baby myself, because I’m the youngest child in my family. He was so easy going, slept well, barely cried, and was a very happy little toddler too. 

My eldest was the opposite. Sleep only came when he was in motion. I hadn’t known how much skill was involved in the slow put down of a baby before he came along. I found the process of putting him down in his cot when he was finally asleep was best done by counting the seconds. 120 down, 60 on release, 120 back up. Slowly, slowly. 

Parenting is bonkers. 

No doubt you do things to accommodate your kids that, when looked at from the outside, seem ridiculous. We do them because, for our unique child, they work and keep life moving along calmly. It can be hard to do. I know I had an ideal in my head about how I thought things should be, and would find myself getting frustrated when reality didn’t match. Now I’ve done a lot of work on patience, I know when I’ve fallen into that trap again. 

I’ve found it takes being observant and noticing what is happening when I’m doing this and catching myself unhelpfully comparing reality to an impossible ideal. But the more I do it, the easier it gets until accepting reality is just more natural in certain circumstances. 

I’ve found it takes space too. Space to reflect and notice what has happened. Filling time with music or podcasts pumping out of earphones, unrealistic to do lists, too much time spent checking personal email, work email, WhatsApp, Facebook, LinkedIn, Insta, Reddit, TikTok, the news, or whatever cocktail of digital information you prefer, fills up the space to spot the times when expectations are impossibly out of line with reality. I’ve slid down this slippery slope recently and am slowly working my way back up. What is life if not relearning old lessons? At least that’s what a lot of mine is.

While I’m much better at setting expectations for myself than I used to be, the lesson that I’m still learning is how to set my expectations at the right level with my kids. Not too high that the gap between expectations and reality gets filled with frustration and other funky emotions. Not too low so they don’t grow and develop in life either. Man this is tough, because each child is different so what comes easy to one is much harder for another and vice versa. And that, at least for me, comes down to the same things - being observant and noticing in the moment, and making time to reflect and notice what’s happened in the past. 

My son and his cousin are nearly 16 now and couldn't be more different. Each has their strengths and challenges. Each has parents who have learned a lot about how to parent their kid along the way.