When you become a parent you gain a lot - a companion for life, a source of abundant joy. You get the chance to become better person, responsibility, privilege, and a kind of love you never knew existed and you’ll never lose.

But parenting takes away too. You lose the freedom to do as you please, because you have someone else who needs you. You lose time for yourself, because they need it. You lose money, sleep, and a bit of your sanity too for a while. You lose the harmonious, low-strife existence you have worked so hard for. As they get older you get most of this stuff back, and more.

When they become toddlers, you get to see a human being in their rawest form - all emotions with no self-control, social inhibitions or self-sufficiency. At times you lose your mind and your patience trying to teach them to share not snatch, not to hit and bite, to use the potty and every other little bit of living that comes so naturally to us we've forgotten we ever learned it. Because they’re so emotionally raw, you get to see what it means to love in its purest form as they run to meet you with open arms when you get home on a random Tuesday. And you feel the exhausting heartache of having to peel them off you, crying with all their might on those mornings when they first start at the childminders or nursery. Toddlers give you some of the most tender, loving, silly times you will ever experience, at least until you have grandchildren.

I heard somewhere that the age between 4 – 10 are the ‘golden years’. The terrible twos and ferocious threes are gone, and you don’t yet have to contend with their hormones. There’s an innocence at this age that gives you the purest pride. They start to show you what they've learned and what they're capable of as a result. You see them being kind and caring, you see them creating things and making friends. And they bring all this to you. They show you the drawings they’ve done, tell you about the games they’ve made up. They bring it to you because you matter so much to them.

As they’re growing, instead of getting the glimpse of their personalities as toddlers, you see their character and temperament start to shine through. They’re learning and growing and endlessly asking why, all this growth means they sleep better, and so do you. But all this learning and growth means classes and clubs, which takes your money and time spent toing and froing. It’s worth it though to have that time to chat to them, to see them grow and them revel in their achievement. They grow in other ways too - their ego, their desire for control over their life, which is natural but means you lose your calm more often than you’d like as they attempt to assert their right to not eat vegetables, go to bed on time or to see family and friends. This is hard, but natural, because they’re growing into people who will make their own way in the world.

After 10 they’re more capable. They can do lots of things for themselves (if you’ve taught, encouraged and helped them), so you get more time for yourself. It’s a strange feeling not to be needed, not to have an immediate next thing that needs doing to keep the family on track, after a decade of doing it day-in and out.

They’re growing into teens and, later, young adults, so they give you challenges that are more complex. Sometimes they literally give them to you as they ask for help with friends or situations at school. Sometimes they create them as they challenge your logic, authority, or plan for the day, which hopefully they learn to do with humour over time so you get a laugh too. Even if it’s at your own expense.

But you still get the love, it’s just in a more ‘traditional’ form. The craziness of toddlers has passed, the innocence of the golden years has gone, your relationship changes into a more mature one. If you don’t pay attention, you miss the moments that fill you up with love and pride. Like joining a new club at school, being there for their friends, getting a good test result, or putting the effort in to explore and learn something new. We miss these things because they’re more normal, more adult, so they don’t stand out to us. We forget that, for them, this stuff is new and hard and exciting and scary. And just like when they were toddlers, they want our help but now they find it hard to ask, and they want our attention but now they’re more self-conscious, find it harder to connect.

That’s as far as I’ve got on this parenting journey. There’ll be more to come as I go on, but for now, I hope these reflections help you wherever you are on the path.