Why you're finding it so hard to be focused right now

I know I should start this off with a story to draw you in, but right now, focus is proving painfully elusive. Instead of work hard on form, I’ve been forced to focus on function. If you’re struggling to focus, this will help you understand why, so you’re taking the first step to fixing it.

We’re all living through stress, which typically comes from one of three triggers:

1. Uncertainty. 

2. Lack of information.

3. Loss of control. 

Right now, all three triggers are getting pulled, hard. Let’s briefly pick each one apart in a way that will make you feel better. 
 

Uncertainty

Will we have jobs in a few weeks, or months? Will we be able to pay the rent or mortgage? Will our loved ones avoid getting sick? Will we? When will we be allowed out again? When will our kids play with their friends again? When will we?! 

It’s easy to feel totally at sea, but there are plenty of things we do know. Now more than ever we must remind ourselves of them. 

We know that governments are starting to support people. 

We know that our communities are coming together to help each other. 

We know that this thing’s likely going to go on for a long time. We’re going to be physically distanced for a while, a few weeks at least, perhaps for up to a year. 

We know that everyone is in the same boat. You’re not falling behind, your children aren’t either. Everyone’s struggling to teach their kids, do their jobs and make sense of the world. But this experience is of value in it's own way - we are learning and adapting - the opposite of 'falling behind'.

We know that, as far as we’re able, us parents will do everything we can to provide for our family. If the worst comes to the worst, we will live off the very basics and take any job we can. It won’t be pretty, but we'll do it if we have to. 

We know that our children love us and we love them. We are trying our best and making the most of the moments we have. While we no doubt have regrets, our children know we love them unconditionally, for just being them. No matter what happens they will always have that. 

How can we get a grip?

That all sounds lovely on a page, and hopefully you’ll feel better having read it, but spend 5 minutes on social, or reading the news and you won’t. So, what’s a parent to practically do? 

Check in with what’s certain every day. Find the thought that makes you feel better and think about it in the morning and in the evening. Not for long; a minute, 20 seconds will do the trick. For me, it’s a combination of focusing on unconditional love and asking myself what kind of dad I want to be. It’s knowing that we’ve weathered hard financial times before and come through them happy enough and having learned something. 

Check in on the news and social media carefully. We need to know what’s going on, both practically and on principle. We can’t opt out because we have to role model the kind of people we want our children to be. For me, that’s a citizen who takes their responsibilities seriously and helps others where they can. But you can easily get sucked into hysteria and misleading information. Limits are needed. One trick is setting your phone to go on greyscale at times of the day you definitely don’t want to spend time on it. The colour change will nudge you to put it down. 

Check yourself with kindness. We will stumble. We will find ourselves stressing out and snapping. The last thing you need when that happens is to be cruel to yourself. Try and change that voice to the one you use when your children are upset, because all you are is upset too. ‘Come here mate, it’s going to be alright.’ Gentle and kind.
 

Lack of information  

When we crave certainty, we search for information that can give it to us. In today’s world though, we have to exercise our better judgement to filter what we see and hear, lest we find ourselves believing fake news. I’m sure you’re pretty good on this stuff by now, but in case you need a refresher. 

Check the source. 

Look out for words like ‘could’, ‘might’, ‘predicted’, ‘possible’ - you’ll be surprised how many more you see when you’re looking for them. 

Go to government sites, preferably more than one to cross reference. 

Err on the side of caution. 

Remember how new this all is, how complex and interconnected the world is and how humans tend to be overconfident with plans and predictions.

Hold onto new information lightly. A story about study from Oxford Uni broke the other day. The FT covered it. It was packed full of hope and made a real difference to my mood. Then a bunch of very experienced people responded. They changed my mind and dashed my hope. Here’s their letter that will give you the story. If I hadn’t held onto the first piece of news so tightly, I wouldn’t have felt so bad. 

Loss of control

We can’t control what happens with this virus. We can’t control how our children are going to react to being physically isolated from their friends, we can’t control how any of us will react to having to set up entirely new routines and keep adjusting them to try and make them work. We’ve all lost control and it takes its toll. 

What can we do?

Control what you can. Pick something and be deliberate about it. It might even be something as simple as doing as many push ups, or some other exercise, as you can in one sitting, once a day. We’re talking anywhere between 20 seconds and 2 minutes. It’s not a long time. At the end of it though, you will feel the glow of physical exertion. This also ticks the exercise box, which is a proven way to make your mental health better. 

Set out a routine, and the expectation that it will change. Do this together with your family so everyone’s on the same page. 

Focus on controlling the expectations, not the reality. Don’t expect to be as productive as you would have been before a global pandemic and you won’t feel bad for not being. Don’t expect your children not to interrupt you working and you won’t get cross and snap. Tell the people you’re video calling at 1pm that you might be 10 minutes late because you have a toddler and although your partners’ call is due to end at 1pm, it might not (we’ve all been there). 

We’re are in the middle of a global pandemic, the likes of which the world has never seen before. It’s the Great Upending, a Global Reset, it’s a Godzilla of Change and it is stressing you out. You can’t tackle Godzilla head on and hope to win, but if you think carefully, make some good moves you’ll be OK. More than OK. You’ll be a Man, my son!