With kids, all behaviour is a signal

When they’re new-born, you learn fast that all behaviour is communication, because the only way your baby can communicate is to cry. When they do, you go through the list — do they need feeding, changing, burping, sleeping, attention?

As my kids have got older and more communicative (bar the regression of my now teenager), I’ve realised I’ve assumed an improvement in their ability to communicate their needs has been matched by an equal improvement in their ability to understand what it is they need. I’ve assumed that the ability of a visible thing (behaviour) is correlated with the ability of an invisible thing (feelings, needs, motivations), which is of course nonsense. At 44, it still takes me time to work out whether my feelings and reactions are valid, or down to my own tiredness, hunger, distraction or something else.

Yet, if I don’t check myself, I slip into expecting my kids to know, why they are behaving as they are. This is where the checklist comes back in, minus the changing and burping and with a few additions for each child because they are different. For one of my kids I would add ‘physical activity’ and for the other I would add ‘downtime away from social relationships’.

But the things on the checklist are all short-term fixes to short-term, functional problems. Once they’re covered, the signalled need behind the behaviour, in my experience, is an emotional one.

Maybe they aren’t getting the attention they need? Maybe they’re worried or anxious about something that happened, is happening, or may happen in the future? Or about something they’ve done, not done or think they’ll have to do? There’s a lot in all that. So much. Working it out can only be done with space to talk, hang out, let the worries bubble up and take recognisable form — all stuff that takes time. And it’s this stuff that strengthens their bond with you. Afterall, stable behaviour comes from stable relationships. And relationships are a function of time spent. So, if their behaviour is off and the simple things aren’t fixing it, perhaps it’s time to make more time.